Heart Therapy {Insecurities}

Now that things are somewhat normal again, I have linked up with Eisy Morgan for this week's Heart Therapy again! 

Go here for {hopes and dreams}.

Go here for {thankful}.

Ok...

Here goes.

I would like to think I'm a pretty confident person, but in reality...no one is. You see, I'm a planner. I like to know what's coming. I run almost all scenarios through my imaginative brain, planning them all out. Guess what? I'm not in control. I know this. I know it all too well. But I forget it just as frequently...when things don't go my or the way I thought it was going to go, yikes.

I know that sounds very brat-ish, but I promise, its not. I truly believe it is a security thing. I need to know what lies ahead, how I will deal with it, what I will say, what route I will take, how the day will go, what I will do next....Ugh. It just sounds exhausting once I type it all out. I really need to work on this.

Relax, Allison, relax.


I'm also insecure when it comes to what people think about me. I did this thing starting in middle school where I seriously thought everyone liked me and no one ever spoke bad about me. What world was I living in? I was in complete denial for several years. The first time I heard about someone saying something ugly about me, I felt like I had just been punched. What did I think was so special about me that made me immune to gossip? No idea.

Get a clue, Allison, get a clue.

Since joining the rest of the general public in reality, I still take hateful words and trash talking waaaay to personally. Why should I care? At the end of my life, am I really going to be concerned about what some miserable dude at work said about me? No.

Let's see....what else am I insecure about? Oh right, my blog. I'll be honest, it was really hard to tell people about my blog, even my husband. (See the previous paragraph.) I thought "this could go one of two ways-1.) people will hate who I am or 2.) people are going to think I am so self absorbed because I started a blog...about myself." 99% of the time, I get a great reaction. I have said it a hundred times, but the blogging community is such a wonderful place. SO many supportive bloggers and readers, but it is still hard to put yourself out there. This is one insecurity that I feel myself letting go of (slowly). 

I'm also insecure about about sharing my faith. I'm sure I will be scrutinized for that, but hey, I'm just being honest. I grew up in a place that had a church practically every half mile, but my husband was the first person to ever share Christ with me...4 years ago. For this very reason, I am not confident in sharing my faith because I feel like a "rookie" Christian, but at the same time, it reminds me of why I should be bold about sharing. Not to be selfish, but I went 23 years of my life not knowing about Jesus, but grew up in the "Bible Belt." Seriously? I just feel like I don't know enough to answer all the questions everyone has...but ya know, I should just get over it. As a follower of Christ, it is my responsibility and privilege to share my faith with other. That was also a main reason I started my blog. Blogging was something that was on my heart for a while, and once I listened to that, I knew that my blog was going to faith based. It has been a big stepping stone for me towards getting over my fear of sharing my faith. 

Heart Therapy {hopes & dreams}

Time for another installment of Heart Therapy hosted by Eisy Morgan. Did you miss last week? Go here. 

Sheesh. This is one of those topics that will get 2 responses: Laughter or Support. 

I dream of going back to school. Those of you who know me in real life are probably laughing right about now. When I look back on my transition from high school to college, I cringe. I am a firm believer that you really have no idea what you want to do with your life at the age of 18 and that's exactly what happened to me. I've been in the work force since then and now know what I truly love to do. My source of income right now, isn't it. And that's ok. I enjoy what I do for a living, and strive to always learn more about it. I say I know what I love to do and what interests me, but really there are many things. Health care, food and nutrition, the idea of teaching fitness, and the Christian faith. What's the degree for all of that?? Right.

I also dream of being unbelievably active in the local church. I am continuing to learn how important this is to carry out God's plan for me through the online ministry I am a part of. We have recently been "church shopping" and let me tell you, its exhausting in every way possible. Ew. Thankfully, I think we have found "the one." Now, to get past this awkward hey-we-are-the-new-people stage and really get plugged in (I hate that phrase). There were a lot of things that disappointed us about our previous church, which I won't go into boring detail about, but it was a devastating hit when we realized it just wasn't where we needed to be anymore. Pressing forward with our new church home, I see this dream a little more obtainable. 

Now this one is bound to get a lot of laughs. I dream of having a really good group of girlfriends. Really, I would just be happy with one. I don't know why it is so hard for adult women to be good friends (myself included) but its truly sad. Women are vicious. I dream of having a few very good friends who are close to where I am in life and who know the Lord. 

And lastly, I dream of the wedding I never had. I  promise I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer, just her cousin. Again, I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but YES, I DID GET PREGNANT OUT OF WEDLOCK. I promise I don't need you to judge me because there is someone much greater than you or me that has that covered. We planned to get married after bambino was born (because no one wants to be that postpartum bride) , but it was really on our hearts to make that covenant with God before Austin arrived. So...2 months before I was due, we made the agreement with each other and our families to get married then but have a real wedding 365 days later. Our previous church pastor married us, but the event itself was a hot mess. There were no plans of any kind, no communication, and our marriage license was even lost. Austin promptly arrived and my worst nightmare became reality. No one really cared about following through with that wedding we all talked about. In fact, the general response was that I was ridiculous for even wanting one. What was the point? Oh, I don't know...so I could have photos documenting the day I dreamed of for like ever. So I could buy a real wedding dress, not one that could only fit a huge pregnant woman. So that I could show all my family and friends how much I love my husband. I don't regret getting married when we did. I just regret dreaming too big. 

Moooooving on. 

I hope to honor my husband as I have been commanded to. 

I hope to be an active, involved parent. 

I hope to give up more of myself to gain more of Christ on a daily basis.

I hope to be satisfied with the work I have done at the end of each day. 

And now, a little comic relief.